Why Modern Day Enlightenment Is Tasty

Dear Friend,

We’ve already come a long way on our brief journey together.

A few weeks ago, I shared why it’s so important to Wake Up. How our world is more divisive than ever, but how this division is not our true nature. 

I proposed we can live in a kinder and more compassionate world once we understand the nature of our suffering. And how you’ll be a much happier person for it.

Last week, I showed you how the first step to Waking Up is to become aware of this suffering. The best way to gain this awareness is through vipassana or insight meditation. 

We need this insight into our suffering or else we’ll just keep moving through life in the same way we always have: not having a great relationship with ourselves, attaching to fleeting desires like becoming rich or attracting the hottest possible partner, and getting angry over the most trivial thing. 

With this knowledge of why it’s so important to Wake Up and the easiest way to get started in doing it, I want to share more of my journey on how I started Waking Up.

I hope you’re hungry, because if you ask me, Waking Up is all about becoming A SNACK.

Modern-day enlightenment is incredibly tasty. 

Once you read this newsletter and embrace each part of being “A SNACK”, I’m confident you’ll love yourself more, approach attachment differently, and live with more compassion and kindness when interacting with others.

This isn’t just a one-shot deal. I’ll be diving in deeper on each of these letters in the coming weeks.

So let’s whip up this gourmet delicacy together.

But first, I want to re-emphasize just how important awareness is.

I never made that connection before

I’ve had this exact thought in so many therapy sessions this year. 

I’d chat with my therapist about something I’ve struggled with, then suddenly face a difficult memory of the past. When my therapist presented this issue in a new light, I realized how I never understood where some of my behaviors came from.

A prime example of this was when I first confronted my Shadow (though it was actually my Persona).

You see, I grew up thinking I had to be perfect in order to receive love. 

Perfect in the eyes of my family, perfect in the eyes of the church, perfect in the eyes of my teachers. 

It didn’t really matter who it was. If you were an adult or had some sort of authority, I put you on a pedestal.

Therapy helped me realize I had such a huge drive to win love.

The good grades, the superior ratings at piano recitals, the desire to please God down to the last letter of the bible, excelling in college, earning leadership positions, securing internships, and building a successful career in HR that led to a middle management position. 

Even doing what I loved as a fiction writer on the side, publishing 4 action thriller books by age 30, came with expectations of love showering down on me in all directions by the time I became a household name (still waiting for that to happen, by the way).

I did everything I could to win the love I craved. Until I finally decided enough was enough and I came out of the closet and began a career change at 30.

But it wasn’t until incorporating therapy and regular meditation into my life that I gained a true awareness of these love-seeking patterns and how they influenced everything I did in life.

Realizing why I built up this perfectionist, polished persona was key to helping me realize I didn’t fully love myself, which is where all love truly originates. Even though society doesn’t teach us this simple fact.

You don’t reach for a snack without realizing you’re hungry, and that’s why awareness, the “A” that precedes “SNACK” is paramount to modern-day enlightenment.

Do you really love yourself?

World-renowned drag queen, television personality, and author RuPaul Charles has a famous saying he concludes each RuPaul’s Drag Race show with:

“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an ‘amen’ up in here?”

A few months after I came out, I finally started watching Drag Race. I figured every other gay did, so why shouldn’t I?

I ended up enjoying the show for many reasons, but never really considered whether I actually believed RuPaul when he said those famous words at the end of each show.

Of course I love myself, I thought. Why wouldn’t I?

But, just like my people-pleasing tendencies from childhood, striving for achievement to receive love, I was still placing all of my worthiness and ability to be loved in the hands of others.

But this time, it was other gay men.

Now that I was finally out of the closet and could freely date, hold hands with, or kiss other guys in public, I felt a huge need to be in a relationship.

I figured if I could finally be in a loving relationship, then I would be whole and worthy of love.

Only, as I’ve learned the hard way following ghosting, emotionally unavailable men, and self-doubt, is that love doesn’t really work that way.

You really can’t love others until you love yourself

I could go on and on about my dating struggles, but I’ll save that for another time.

What I really want to get at is the first letter of “SNACK” - “S.”

That “S” stands for self-love.

Heck, even before you love yourself, you must accept yourself. This has been an arduous journey for me as a gay man who has only been out for a few years.

We’re often taught that loving ourselves (which can be seen as a selfish act) isn’t nearly as important as selfless acts of loving others.

But I think these societal teachings are very much backwards.

If you don’t love yourself, how will you know what real love looks like when you’re with others? 

For me, I always would brush aside compliments from others or other gestures of love, because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of love.

Or, I felt I had to place all of my self-worth into how a guy I was dating felt about me, how my friends felt about me, or how my parents or boss felt about me. 

I associated real love with people-pleasing. People-pleasing is another way of saying that love is conditional.

If you do x for me, I’ll give you the missing y, which is love.

For those of us that grow up practicing Western religions like Christianity, this is a very common message we learn as children. 

Obey God’s commands and you’ll receive love as everlasting life in Heaven. Choose not to obey, and you’ll spend eternity burning in the fires of Hell. 

These religious teachings can be incredibly psychologically damaging, because they reinforce the idea that love is conditional, even though many people in our lives tell us they love us unconditionally.

If we feel that love is based on conditions, we’ll spend our lives begging for it in others and not even recognizing that we have love available within.

We need to reset our expectations of loving others and choose to love them differently. But we can only change this definition of love that society has handed down to us if we choose to love ourselves first. 

What does self-love look like?

Achieving self-love assumes that we start at a basic level of self-acceptance. 

When we start with self-acceptance, we embrace everything that we are without reservation. 

This includes all of our good parts, like our generosity toward others, our smile, or how smart we are.

But it also includes the parts of us we’d rather change, like our anxiety, the way we can sometimes snap at someone when we get angry, or our tendency to run late for appointments.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to improve in certain areas, but that we should accept ourselves as we are and have self-compassion (more on that later).

Self-love, on the other hand, goes beyond mere self-acceptance. 

When we truly love ourselves, we recognize and appreciate that we have self-worth, and we understand we are worthy of happiness and love, just as we are.

If we look even deeper at ourselves, before we consider all the societal baggage and bullshit thrown upon us, like how we can’t or shouldn’t do this or that, we realize that at our core, we are love.

Think about it for a second. 

Back when you were a child and had no worries in the world, what did you likely spend your time doing?

Playing, using your imagination, laughing, seeing the world full of possibilities because you didn’t know any better.

Sure, you might have had some problems (I definitely don’t want to minimize abuse or other childhood traumas that I didn’t experience), but before any of that impacted you, this playful and imaginative state was purely you.

It’s the true nature that is still available to all of us, even as adults. 

The problem is we have to shovel away the psychological dirt that society has heaped on us for the shiny treasure beneath to be unearthed.

But once we see this true nature and realize it’s been there all along and can’t be hurt or damaged, we can see we are worthy of self-love.

By seeing this true self and understanding that others will only love me based on how I choose to love myself, I can finally turn to RuPaul and shout back a loud “Amen!”

Life is a lot tastier now that I love myself.

NA NA NA NA - Non-Attachment

Ok, I’ll admit I’m cheating a little.

For the “NA” in “SNACK,” I’m referring to non-attachment. 

Part of the reason I never achieved self-love until recently is because of how tightly I attached to standard societal ideas of love.

How many of us still believe in the Disney or Hollywood versions of love, that tell us we will meet our Prince Charming, they’ll fall madly in love with us, and we’ll end up happily ever after?

Only then, when we run into actual problems with our partner like them not communicating with us very often or judging us for a certain hobby we have, do we realize love doesn’t work the way we thought. That we actually have to have some difficult conversations and alignment in place if we want to make the relationship work.

Yet, most of us attach to this one idea of love. Because it sounds oh so romantic. 

How many relationships do you know that are in perfect alignment with those Disney or Hollywood scripts?

(If you know of some, I’d love to hear about them)

My first experience with attachment (and non–attachment) was through the idea of attachment styles.

I won’t go too deeply into that here, but recommend reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more.

In terms of romantic relationships, I have an anxious attachment style.

People with this attachment style worry about abandonment, need constant reassurance from their partner, and tend to be more “clingy” in relationships.

We develop these attachment styles ‌due to the way we were raised by our caregivers.

I don’t know exactly how I developed an anxious attachment style, but have noticed these recurring patterns of a fear of abandonment since I’ve been actively dating men for the last 3 years.

With the help of therapy and the Buddhist teachings of non-attachment (particularly tied to the Third of the Four Noble Truths), I’ve noticed a drastic shift in how I no longer place all of my self-worth in my dates’ opinion of me.

Similarly, how many of us identify strongly with the idea of achieving generational wealth, our job title and salary, or other aspects of our identity?

For example, I’m a gay man. It took me 30 years to come out and I’m damn proud of that fact.

But does attaching to this gay label cloud my view in some respects? 

After all, there are plenty of identity labels I’ve shed over the years and I feel much freer as a result. 

I’ve shed the “grass-fed meat lover” label and am now eating a plant-based diet that aligns with my values of causing less suffering in the world (by no longer consuming animal products).

Being forever attached to being an animal eater would’ve perpetuated my suffering, as I would’ve continued to live out of alignment with my values.

I’ve also detached from other aspects of my identity, such as status and prestige, by leaving a management track in a HR career to start at the bottom in a completely new career field of User Experience Writing.

By embracing non-attachment, I’m able to live with the ebbs and flows of life without suffering too much.

I can date, work, eat, and live in a present and harmonious way because I don’t attach my worth to labels or identities or expect certain outcomes. 

With refuge and freedom, we can emerge with compassion and kindness

There’s plenty more I can (and will) write in future issues of Waking Up about self-love and non-attachment.

Not only do these topics form the first 3 letters of “SNACK,” but they also serve as the consistent daily practices that will help us achieve modern-day enlightenment. 

When we truly love ourselves, we form a refuge deep within. No matter what others say or do, the love we have for ourselves will keep us anchored to living a life of meaning that is aligned with who we are.

We won’t have to chase love, but will instead attract the very love we project out into the world.

Non-attachment to roles, relationships, identities, and outcomes gives us the freedom to live in the present and enjoy the journey. 

When you put that all together, you arrive at the “CK” of “SNACK,” compassion and kindness.

We can live as our more embodied compassionate and kind selves when we are aware of our reactive states, actively choose to change them, and fully love ourselves. 

Once we love ourselves, it will only be a matter of time before we are bursting and ready to share that love with others.

And two of the best ways to do it are through compassion and kindness.

I firmly believe kindness is one of the greatest gifts we can give to others. But we often can’t give kindness if we get trapped in our thought patterns of anger, “othering” and division that we talked about in the first issue of this newsletter.

The same goes for compassion. If we think Donald Trump is the worst person who’s ever lived, we won’t have compassion for his very human supporters, even if we don’t agree with their beliefs.

It’s very hard to see the point of view of others when we are wrapped up in our own thoughts and feelings of hatred or dislike.

This is why it’s even more important to develop a daily meditation practice (like we talked about last issue) to understand how these feelings of hatred arise so we can deal with them in a more loving manner. 

The transformative practice of loving-kindness

Perhaps my favorite way to move into this more embodied state of increased compassion and kindness is to add a loving-kindness (or metta) practice to meditation. 

Loving-kindness teaches that we can extend kindness to every being in the world, everywhere.

Many of us lose our capacity to love others through the stresses of daily life. But loving-kindness reinforces that everyone can receive happiness and love.

When I performed this meditation at my silent meditation retreat, I’ve never felt so much joy and power, all from extending sincere good wishes to my loved ones.

If you want to practice this while meditating, you’ll take your focus away from your breath.

Instead, focus first on yourself. See yourself looking back at you in the mirror. Really come to know the emotions and expressions that you see. 

When you’re ready, repeat these 4 phrases (or you can come up with your own, as long as they are easy to remember) at least 3 times. Feel the emotion and bask in each phrase until it feels like a genuine well wish in your mind.

• May you be safe

• May you be happy

• May you be healthy

• May you live with ease of heart

Once you’ve given yourself the gift of loving-kindness with these messages, move on to someone you love. Ideally, this is someone still living. Imagine the person is sitting right across from you. Get a feel for their smile, what they’re wearing, what they smell like, and how they are gazing at you.

Repeat these same phrases of loving-kindness for that person you love. Watch as they receive your words and feel this loving energy pouring out of you.

When you’re done, repeat the process while picturing someone you don’t like or have difficulties with. 

Trust me, I understand how difficult it can be to extend loving wishes to a seemingly hateful person. But in order to truly Wake Up and live as our most kind and compassionate selves, we must extend love and happiness everywhere.

Finally, repeat those loving-kindness phrases and think about extending these feelings of safety, happiness, health, and living with ease to all beings, everywhere.

Enlightenment is tasty

Whew, we covered a lot in today’s newsletter.

We recapped the idea of Waking Up with awareness (our “A” in “A SNACK”). 

With this greater awareness of our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, we can begin the slow but important process of achieving self-love (“S”).

Once we’ve achieved self-love and have established an island of refuge within, we can let go of roles, identities, relationships, and other expectations that don’t serve us through non-attachment (“NA”).

After gaining security through self-love and non-attachment, we can start living up to our most enlightened, awakened, and embodied beings by living with compassion and kindness (“CK”) toward others.

Becoming A SNACK is the tastiest way I’ve found to living a life of inner peace, love, and joy for life.

Instead of being caught up in the doldrums of stress, anxiety, and constant suffering based on everyday events, being A SNACK has helped me see I am in control of how I show up in the world. I can accept things as they are and still maintain my peace.

If I can live a more peaceful and loving life, so can you.

So if you’ve made it this far, I know how important these concepts are to you.

Stick with me. Our journey is just beginning.

Much love,

Spenser

P.S. I’d love to know more about you, my dear reader. Let me know what you’re struggling with in life or what you hope to get out of reading this newsletter by taking a short survey (I know, surveys suck, but I promise it won’t take more than 2 minutes; you can skip any question you want).

Or, better yet, just respond to this email and let me know :)