What Pursuing My Writing Dreams Can Teach You About Non-Attachment

Dear Friend,

I’m not too happy with how I’ve started the year. 

Or at least, that’s how I feel in this present moment. 

Normally I’m much better about reflecting on what went well in the past year, and setting a meaningful intention for what lies ahead in the new year. 

But, even though I shared with you how you can create your dream life in 2024, I’ve been more tactical and less strategic about this in 2024. 

I’ve been too focused on the day-to-day and less focused on the big picture of what I want. 

The holidays really knocked me out of my groove and I’ve felt more helter-skelter than the calm and centered person I enjoy being. But now that I’m back in my familiar routine of meditating for 30 minutes each morning, writing, and maintaining a regular gym routine, I think it’s time to dream up big plans for the future.

I want to build the roadmap for all of my future successes. 

If you’re in the same position of chasing your dreams, today’s newsletter is for you. 

Dream those big dreams

You likely have big goals. Maybe even goals you feel are unattainable. 

I want to launch a transformative and lucrative coaching business using everything I’ve learned on my path of self-love, non-attachment, and compassion over the last few years. I also want to enter a deeply meaningful love relationship that I haven’t been able to attain in the 2+ years since coming out as gay. 

Beyond that, I want to grow this newsletter, put on some more muscle mass while maintaining the same level of leanness, and read more books.

But let me get back to my primary goal of becoming a coach.

I want to coach because I’ve seen how much growth and change is possible in my life when I have someone in my corner who believes in me. My coaches have held me accountable, guided me through big life changes like changing careers and getting in shape, and helped me find my wisdom.

I want to share my wisdom (like through this newsletter) to coach others in navigating major life changes and turning points.

But I’ll admit, this journey in launching my coaching business is quite scary. I’m working to get past my financial insecurities in pursuing an entrepreneurial path, and part of me is wondering if I can do this to live my dharma fully. 

You see, I’ve always had a desire to do my own thing in life, dating back to my mid-twenties. 

My first job was a mix of doing compensation analysis and HR system updates.

Even though it was early in my career, I knew I didn’t want to do this for the rest of my life. But I didn’t know what else I would do. 

So my ego decided I would research several other career options. Options like going back to get my Master’s in HR, pursuing law school, or entering the IT field like my parents. 

I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but the idea of having more control over my daily schedule and having an impact spoke to me. 

Eventually, I listened to an episode of the James Altucher Show podcast. James was interviewing Jack Canfield, author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. 

James asked Jack how people can find what they’re passionate about. Jack said that we should go back to when we were kids, back to when we had no cares or concerns in the world. 

Back to a time where we were more closely aligned with our true self.

So I went back to what I loved doing most as a kid: using my imagination. And writing.

Chasing my writing dream

From that moment on, I aspired to be a writer. No, I expected to be a successful writer.

Writing was everything I ate, breathed, and dreamed about. I listened to writing podcasts, read books on writing craft, and wrote stories of my own.

My heart raced with excitement every time I raced home from my job on my lunch break to write.

In November 2015, during National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), I began the first draft of my first novel, One Last Kill. 

Soon enough, I edited that novel and worked hard on a prequel and sequel, before finally publishing those books in 2019.

It was the culmination of a lifelong dream to publish those books. Right away, I expected to taste success.

There was no reason my books couldn’t fly off the shelves like other indie author titles like The Martian or Fifty Shades of Grey. If you asked me, I had E.L. James beat in the craft department by far. 

But, as I’ll share soon, I didn’t become a best-seller. In fact, I’ve probably made less than $2,000 in total across all 4 of my books in about 5 years.

Despite my aspirations of becoming a six-figure fiction novelist, that dream didn’t manifest into reality. So I began chasing new writing dreams, first in publishing more personal stories on Medium hoping to earn good side hustle money, then trying the entrepreneurial route again as a freelance copywriter.

I ended up finally leaving my high-paying HR career behind and trained as a UX (User Experience) Writer, which I’ve been doing for almost 2 years now.

While I enjoy it a lot, and can finally say I’ve achieved a dream of being a handsomely paid working writer, I’ve discovered that passion isn’t everything.

As much as my ego led me to having aspirations to be a working writer, I’m questioning now if those passions equal my purpose.

I’m getting even more fulfillment sharing my lessons in self-love, non-attachment, compassion, and kindness through this free newsletter than almost any other writing I’ve done in the past.

And I expect similar satisfaction as I begin coaching others. 

Craving: the root of suffering

Having those big dreams pushed me forward, but the expectations I put on myself to achieve those dreams led to suffering.

I’ll explain. 

In Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths serve as a framework for recognizing suffering in our world. The First Noble Truth teaches us that existence is suffering and the Second Noble Truth outlines that suffering has a beginning. This beginning of suffering usually starts with a craving. Or, in other words, expectation.

I craved freedom, control, and fame that would come with being a successful fiction author. 

I’ve also wanted to sleep with certain men or have them date me. 

I’ve desired a fitter, leaner body (finally feeling good about that one!)

When I didn’t achieve the best-selling author status, didn’t hook up with a certain guy, or look as good as I wanted in certain photos, I felt crushed inside. 

My heart felt like it was stomped on. Like I would even die of loneliness from being rejected by other men or the collective readership that refused to give my books a chance. 

My mind stirred up many anxious thoughts from failing to fulfill these aspirations and dreams.

As I pursue coaching, I’m trying to learn from my previous pursuit of dreams and set realistic goals, so I don’t get too attached to a certain result.

The Buddha taught through the Second Noble Truth that any craving we have, whether to move toward pleasure, or avoid pain, can cause us great distress. 

Balancing your dreams and reality

This distress doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go for our dreams.

Even though I didn’t achieve every writing dream I’ve had, I don’t regret chasing them. In fact, I’m pretty happy with how things have turned out. 

I’ve written and published 4 books, written thousands of Tweets sharing my journey, over 150 Medium stories, and now the 7th edition of this Waking Up newsletter. Plus, my day job is as a UX Writer.

So even though I never became a best-seller and have been disappointed by how slowly I’ve grown my audience, I have a pretty positive view of myself as a writer.

I’d like to think my stories have entertained or inspired people. Many readers have told me that a work I’ve shared has impacted their life. But at the end of the day, that expectation can’t fuel us. 

I’m realizing that it’s all about the process, and not the results.

Meaning that I can enjoy the writing for the writing’s sake, and even have goals associated with my writing.

But I no longer expect to achieve best-seller status or a million plus reader following.

I want to be an impactful coach, but I don’t expect to become the next Tony Robbins (I don’t have that much energy anyway).

The best way we can all balance our dreams and these expectations that might come with them is embracing non-attachment. 

This is essentially what the Third Noble Truth in Buddhism teaches us. 

We can end our cravings and suffering as a result, by understanding that all suffering has an end.

When we don’t attach to outcomes associated with our goals, we are much more likely to enjoy the process.

Write because you love playing with words. 

Dance because you revel in each and every movement.

Love because you enjoy the warm fuzzy feelings of being connected with someone in the moment.

Dream those dreams, but enjoy the effort more than the achievement.

Much love,

Spenser

P.S. I’m still offering a few Shadow breakthrough sessions at the end of the month. We’ll spend 30-45 minutes together helping you gain insight into a recent trigger in your life and how that emotion plays out for you. 

By the end of our session, you’ll have more insight into your Shadow and know how to work with it in your day-to-day life, so you can move closer to your true self.

Just respond to this email if you’re interested in a session!