How Planting the Seeds of Self-Love Yields More Meaningful Relationships

Dear Friend,

Your world is 100% reflective of what’s going on in your mind.

This includes every relationship with every person you interact with. 

And yes, that means your relationship with yourself, too. 

One of the most classic verses in the Bible warns Israelites worshiping a calf idol that they will reap what they sow. 

The exact verse (Galatians 6: 7-8) says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Essentially, whatever we plant in our lives will produce a harvest of similar results.

If we spread messages of love, kindness, and compassion, we will see these qualities in abundance in our lives. 

But if we feed our fear or tell ourselves that we aren’t worthy of love and goodness in life, that’s exactly what we will share with other people. 

So today, I’m here to share an important lesson with you:

In relationships, we reap what we SOW.

How we relate to ourselves is how we will relate to others and to the world. 

I’ll explain how you can build a better relationship with yourself through self-acceptance and self-love. Then I’ll share how this can fuel deeper, more intimate relationships with others in your lives and in the world around you.

But first, another story. 

The world was not my oyster 

Before age 26, I let fear rule my life. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve experienced plenty of fear between age 26 and now. But as I approach my 33rd birthday next month, I no longer let fear dictate my decisions. 

You see, before I turned 26, almost every decision I made considered how other people would feel about that decision. 

It was people-pleasing in action. 

What major should I pursue in college? 

My Dr. Phil look-alike guidance counselor influenced that one.

What if I came out and shared my attraction to men with others?

My fear of abandonment—that I would lose my family and friends—kept me quiet for years.

But at 26, I finally made a small step in living in alignment with who I wanted to be. I made a major choice toward self-love.

While it would be many years before I accepted and loved myself fully, this move at 26 was a big leap.

I decided to get a new job and move to Chicago.

I’d spent the previous 4 years after college living and working in the same city of the school I graduated from. I’d followed life’s prescribed path to the letter.

Good grades in high school. Go to a good college. Land a job that would springboard into a well-paying career. 

I’d done exactly that. I was living on my own in a nice apartment. I volunteered in the community and reconnected with my love of writing fiction.

But I wasn’t happy. 

The world certainly wasn’t my oyster in the way I thought it would be.

Sure, my career wasn’t the most thrilling, and I wanted to be a full-time writer, but more important than that, I was depressed.

I lived an hour-and-a-half away from my family and only saw them about every six weeks. My friends had mostly moved to Chicago after graduation. 

Meaning I was all alone in central Illinois. 

Successful on the outside. But very lonely on the inside.

When I graduated from college and took this job, I did it because I wanted to prove to others that I could be a successful adult. I’d grown very comfortable in my bubble and didn’t want to push myself. 

I even had an interview with a Chicago-based company before taking this job and turned it down out of fear. 

Fear of what it would mean to step into the unknown of living in a big city. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to navigate public transportation. 

But at 26, I finally had enough. I’d decided that I was tired of feeling lonely in my small college town. 

It was time for me to push past other fears. I was too afraid to look and interview for other jobs. Too afraid to reach out to references I hadn’t spoken to in years to get them to help me. 

Yet I knew I’d be a happier person by being closer to my friends and taking on a new career challenge. 

I ended up getting the first job I interviewed for, which was actually a perfect learning and growth opportunity for me, and the rest is history. 

Walking the path of self-love

My story didn’t end there, of course, but it was one small step I took toward self-love and doing what I wanted. 

My family and authority figures didn’t tell me to pursue a brand new job and move to Chicago. 

They certainly didn’t tell me to download gay dating apps for my first-time hookup with a guy that occurred a few months after arriving in the Windy City. 

But, I did both. And I enjoyed them. It felt good to make my own decisions. 

If we sow the seeds of people-pleasing and doing what others want us to do, we’ll come to despise ourselves. 

But if we nourish the roots of self-love and living according to our true self, our branches will soar to the heavens.

My process of accepting and loving myself took many years. But here are some ways I achieved it. Hopefully, these will inspire you to improve your relationship with yourself, too.

1. Attending therapy

My self-acceptance journey kicked off when I finally came out. First as bi, then later as gay, in 2021. 

But my self-love journey only truly began just 1 year ago, in January 2023, when I first dedicated myself to weekly therapy. 

Through therapy, I gained insight into the root of my anxious attachment issues. I uncovered my fear of abandonment and witnessed the defense mechanism of people-pleasing and establishing a polished and perfect “good son” persona.

Therapy made me see that my inner child was deeply wounded and reacted to life in the best way he could. I learned new adaptive coping mechanisms that have allowed me to put myself first, date slower and without attachment, and see that I’m worthy of love just as I am.

2. Realizing I’m worthy of love just as I am 

Speaking of being worthy of love just as I am, this is probably my biggest insight from attending therapy. 

I’d never considered that I could be loved for the person I am. Even if I didn’t write books, rise the corporate ladder, or have a fancy apartment, I’m still deserving of love. 

I used to think that I could only be loved if I did certain things for people or behaved a certain way. But now I see I am lovable just for being.

3. Adopting a daily meditation habit and embracing mindfulness

Taking 15-30 minutes to start my day in silence has tremendous benefits. 

I’m able to create a state of awareness throughout my day that allows me to be present, choose my reaction to people and events, understand my feelings and emotions, and feel at peace.

Meditation enables greater mindfulness in my day-to-day living, which allows me to simply enjoy life more. 

Building this habit is one of the best practices of self-love that anyone can do.

4. Setting boundaries

Before I loved myself fully, I had no problem taking on whatever request came my way.

Already burdened with work, but my boss needed help on an urgent project? No problem! I’ll just work 60 hours a week and sacrifice my weekend plans so you can look good for your own boss!

Respectfully, I say: fuck that shit!

Now, if I have too much on my plate, I have no problem saying no or renegotiating deadlines. 

No one is going to stand up for me if I don’t stand up for myself.

5. Becoming the best physical version of myself

In September, I finally decided that I was tired of feeling insecure about my body. 

I wanted to achieve a level of fitness I’d failed to accomplish in 3 ½ years of CrossFit. 

I signed up to work with a fitness coach. We tackled my mindset around fitness with powerful daily affirmations about how I wanted to look and feel. We created a nutrition plan centered around my unique needs as a vegan. And lastly, we focused on workouts that would optimize me losing fat while building muscle. 

Almost 5 months later, I’m not only in the best shape of my life but I’ve kept the weight off and am continuing to progress in the gym, and all areas of my life. 

6. Trusting my inner wisdom

Signing up for fitness coaching, especially at a mid 4-figure price tag, was something I never would’ve done before I achieved self-love. 

Paying an even larger price for a coach training program that aligned with my values of becoming my true self, embracing non-attachment, and helping others achieve their best possible life was an even more consequential decision.

But I knew I had to listen to the feminine part of my psyche that urged me to step toward my purpose. 

I knew I wanted to build a body I was proud of.

I felt a calling to become a coach to guide others on this path. 

Even sharing my wisdom through starting this newsletter, my writing on Twitter/X, and eventually more books on these topics was the call of the divine.

Instead of over-analyzing and failing to take action, I embraced the wisdom of my body and made decisions that felt aligned with my true self.

Sharing our love 

Only once we’ve taken practical steps to integrate more self-love into our lives can we truly love others. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but RuPaul is 1000% right when he says: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

This is the antithesis of what most of us, especially if we grew up Christian, are taught.

We’re often told to give everything to others without regard for ourselves. 

We become martyrs to put others' feelings above our own. 

But if our cup is empty, how can we possibly pour out a drink for others who are thirsty? 

I can speak from my experience when I say that I’ve only really been able to rejoice in the company of others now that I fully love myself and have more self-assurance.

I have so much love to give, that I am enthused to support others. More than I ever have, in fact.

I have no problem being a proverbial shoulder for a friend to cry on. Helping others with a struggle at work, in their relationships, or other areas of their life is like second nature to me. 

But only because I’ve spent so much time and energy working on myself and ensuring that I’m ok. 

Having so much love inside allows me to share that love with all others in my life, including people I haven’t met. 

Embodying love in our world 

Relating to the Self with love allows us to more fully relate to Others with that same sense of love and support.

Relating better to the World (to complete the reaping of what we SOW) naturally follows.

For me, my natural call to meditation and Buddhist teachings has taught me the values of loving-kindness and compassion for all beings. 

It’s a major reason why I became vegan in June 2023. 

Realizing that all of us are connected, that we all come from the same essence, and that we all want happiness and love gives me a reverence for the world that I haven’t had before. 

I choose to not eat animals because I have the security and freedom to make that choice. Now that I am aware of their pain and suffering, I’ve decided I can’t continue to relate to them as easy and cheap sources of food. 

Similarly, I don’t view other people and entities that I disagree with as purely evil or deluded. 

I could let the rage that I feel when I glimpse at the news cause me to assume all conservatives are bad people. Instead, I know that these same people I disagree with want to be happy and safe, just like me. 

Rather than approaching them with vitriol and anger, I can take a step back and consider a different approach.

The only way we will build a kinder and more compassionate world is by taking time to relate to all beings with love. 

The sooner we build up self-love and extend that to others, the faster we can build a healed world that we all strive to live in.

We’ll achieve the inner peace we crave and experience rewarding relationships that we all desire.

Reap abundance by SOWing the seeds of self-love today. And watch the joy ripple outward.

Much love,

Spenser

P.S. I’m offering a few relationship breakthrough sessions to enable greater self-love. We’ll spend 30 minutes together helping you gain insight into an important relationship in your life (which could be with yourself!) and how you can move forward.

Just respond to this email if you’re interested in a session!