My Waking Up Journey

Dear Friend,

We’re in the full swing of the holiday season, and I appreciate you reading another edition of Waking Up.

The first three letters touched on some important foundations for what I believe it means to Wake Up in our modern world. We touched upon why waking up is so crucial, how we can gain awareness of what ails us through insight meditation, and how we can start tasting modern-day enlightenment by becoming “A SNACK.”

But you might be asking: who are you to talk about modern-day enlightenment?

Well, that’s a fair question. And a question I hope to answer in today’s edition of Waking Up.

This is (hopefully) the only article where the focus will be on me. Mostly so you can get to know more about me and why I find this mission so worthwhile. 

Next week, I’ll be back to sharing more wisdom and insights with you.

2023 - a year of ultimate growth

I’ve never grown as much as I have this year. 

That’s a pretty bold statement from me, considering that I finally came out of the closet and began a career change in 2021 at age 30.

But this year has seen me truly accept every part of myself, transcend that acceptance to achieve self-love, and embrace non-attachment. As a result, I’m finally living a more embodied, compassionate, and kind life filled with contentment and inner peace. 

I guess you could say I’ve become the “SNACK” I talked about in our last letter.

But it wasn’t an easy path. In fact, it started with a tremendous heartbreak.

A heartbreak that initiated every other area of my transformation. This has me positioned just a few steps ahead of you, dear reader, so that you can see just how possible and rewarding the path of Waking Up is.

From ghosted to ghostbuster 

Back in January, I was seeing a guy from LA.

We’d matched on a dating app (I’d always wanted to visit LA, so decided to “swipe” on guys in the area) and texted and FaceTimed consistently for a few weeks.

Eventually, he came to Chicago to visit me for a long weekend. After having a great time, I returned the favor and visited him out in LA a few weeks later.

Though it was early in the relationship, I really felt like we were building something. This was the first time I spent most of my days with someone for an extended stretch, and I was excited to see where the future could go together.

But when I was in my Uber back to the airport after leaving his place, I had an eerie feeling I wouldn’t be returning. 

It turns out that my suspicion was right. By the time I landed in Chicago and tried communicating with him, I realized I wouldn’t hear from him again. 

Over the next few days, I tried calling and texting repeatedly. I was worried sick about him and thought something bad happened. But eventually, after multiple rounds of crying and frantic calls to my mother and other friends, I realized I’d been ghosted. 

Yet, this ghosting was probably the greatest thing that could’ve happened to me. 

I finally had to look in the mirror and address the anxious attachment issues I’d felt in relationships for so long. It made me see I needed to address my past trauma.

So at the end of January, I began therapy.

All it took was a few sessions with my therapist to realize that I didn’t think I was worthy of love. 

I may have accepted who I was by coming to terms with being gay and finally coming out to friends and family. But that didn’t mean I loved myself. 

I discovered I felt I needed to be perfect to receive love in childhood. Even though I’d been told love was unconditional, the love I got felt very conditional.

That means I needed to get straight A’s, excel at the piano, and be a perfectly pious Catholic.

There was no way I could have imperfections.

Being gay? It was out of the question. 

So even though I was well-received by family and friends when I came out, I felt like I had to fight that much harder to win love from a romantic partner.

After my ghosting, I was devastated.

But therapy made me realize how much love I had available within. And how I didn’t have to do or be anything to feel this love.

That’s when I saw it wasn’t my fault that I was ghosted.

This person just wasn’t right for me. And they couldn’t deal with how they felt about the relationship in a healthy way.

Even if my anxious energy caused him to feel this way, that didn’t mean I wasn’t worthy of love.

Wandering the road to inner peace

Therapy helped me see I had self-worth.

Buddhism and meditation showed me the path to discovering inner peace.

I first became attracted to Buddhism after taking a comparative religion class in college.

That there was a path out there that told you to question its teachings, which were based on practical measures to ease your suffering and improve your life, was very appealing to me.

I didn’t have to ask for constant forgiveness of sins or believe I was a broken person needing saving.

The teachings of the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path seemed like a simpler, non-judgmental moral framework that was almost the polar opposite of the Catholic faith I was raised in. 

Despite learning about Buddhism, I didn’t delve too deeply into the practice. I was pretty much an atheist until recently. 

But when I went to Thailand in February, I became reacquainted with Buddhism and meditation.

I was enamored with all the temples I visited and how much faith the locals placed in the dharma, or the teachings of the Buddha. 

When I returned to the States, I began a daily meditation habit, first using the Headspace app, before mostly sitting in silence for 30 minutes as I do today. I also subscribed to Tricycle, the Buddhist magazine, and absorbed more Buddhist teachings. 

Eventually, I attended a silent meditation retreat in rural West Virginia over the summer. 

I learned the power of mindfulness, how to detach from expectations, roles, and identities, and facilitated a powerful awareness of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

I became so convinced that this path is the best path for me to alleviate suffering and achieve contentment that I’ve begun writing about it. First, on Twitter/X, followed by Medium, and now with this very newsletter. 

I’m expanding my mission from sharing the lessons I’ve learned through writing, to offering coaching for those who want to transcend self-acceptance to achieve self-love, embrace non-attachment, and step into living life as their most compassionate and kind self, just like I’ve done.

If you’re interested in discussing how I can help you achieve inner peace and step into your ideal life as a coach, let me know here. 

Stepping into my power

Gee, Spenser, that’s great and all. But what does this have to do with me?

By sharing how I’ve achieved self-love and embraced non-attachment through Buddhist teachings, and promoting the benefits of living in alignment with my true self, I hope I can show you how possible this way of living is for you.

Instead of feeling triggered and reactive by every event in life, what if you could choose your reaction?

Instead of feeling like you’re the victim of the world around you, what if you saw you could create the exact life you want in all ways?

Instead of thinking others are out to get you, what if you saw we are all one and that there really isn’t anything truly separating us from others?

While I’m not perfect, I’ve slowly realized all these things.

I want happiness and love, just like everyone else.

I want to enjoy the present moment and choose how I respond to each event.

I’ve seen how I can create the exact state of mind, build the body, create the career, and achieve the love relationships that I want.

All from developing self-love and embracing non-attachment.

I’ve stepped into my power. And so can you.

One step ahead 

The best teachers in life aren’t the ones that have achieved every single dream of theirs or the ones that have millions in the bank.

Sure, you can learn a lot from them. But it’s been so long since they’ve taken the very first steps on their journey that they may not be in the best position to help you.

That’s why I’m writing Waking Up.

I’m not an expert in any of these areas. 

I haven’t figured everything out.

But because I’m just one step ahead of many who would like to walk this journey, I’d like to think I’m a fitting guide for you to explore this path with me.

So if you’re liking what you’ve read this far, stay tuned. 

There’s plenty more in store as we approach 2024.

However you celebrate, I want to wish you all a happy holiday season.

Much love,

Spenser

P.S. I’d love to know more about you, my dear reader. Let me know what you’re struggling with in life or what you hope to get out of reading this newsletter by taking a short survey (I know, surveys suck, but I promise it won’t take more than 2 minutes; you can skip any question you want).

Or, better yet, just respond to this email and let me know :)